Lover Dearest
by Broken Twisted Lullabies
Summary: Sam deals with the never end battle of the hallucinations brought on by the demon blood, wanting to prove himself a hero to his brother, to show that the boy with the demon blood could save the world.


_Lover Dearest_

 _"_ _Well, I'm not sick of you yet,  
is that as good as it gets?  
I'll just try to hide it, or I could slip into you,  
It's so easy to come back into you."_

* * *

He sat on the stone flooring, legs crossed with his head hung in shame. He was a monster, disgusting and unpure. Hazel eyes flinting towards his shaky hands, the hunter gave a ragged breath as he could hear the roaring of blood in his ears. His blood felt like it was acid, burning him and his skin itched like crazy.

He longed for the bitter taste of the demon blood on his tongue once more.

No, Sam _needed_ it.

His body craved for the poison and to punish him for the lack of it, vivid hallucinations danced before his eyes, twisting and warping his sense of reality. Figures appeared and disappeared before his eyes, their taunting words sinking deep into his skin and clinging on tight, only making the guilt of this worse. Sam had done this for Dean! He had done this to get revenge for his brother and had, along the way, managed to kill demons without harming the vessels!

In his mind, this seemed like a good thing. After all, it was "saving people, hunting things" right? And he was saving people! Exorcizing demons the regular way didn't kill them, only sent the demons back to hell temporarily and using Ruby's knife to kill the demons killed the host as well. But this way, he was able to save them and kill the demon at the same time!

Sam was frustrated that Dean couldn't see it that way, couldn't accept that his little brother was doing the right thing. And Ruby meant no harm, no matter what Dean had thought of demons. She had been there for him, comforting him while he mourned for Dean and Sam considered her a friend. Something more even and she helped them. Unlike her true nature, Ruby acted human, she cared and wanted to help him, and Sam saw that. But Dean, Dean didn't.

Hands shaking harder, Sam tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling, watching the fan spin around. His insides felt like someone had set them on fire, making his whine in pain. His thoughts were clouded with the hunger for demon blood and the cravings only got worse.

It felt like it was slowly killing him, this "detox" situation and Sam gave a yell, hands tugging at his long hair in frustration. His skin felt two sizes too small and the hunter scratched at it feverishly, the skin quickly becoming red and raw as he tried to rid himself of the itch. Itching harder, Sam barely realized as blood seemed to well up in little beads across his arms from the scratching but once he did, he pulled his hands away in horror, eyes blown wide.

The blood came out black and dark, not the normal red colour, and he wiped his arms across his pant legs to wipe away the blood. He was unsure if it was the amount of demon blood he had ingested that had turned his own blood a black colour or the withdrawal symptoms playing with his mind. Either way, the hunter couldn't stand to look at the body fluid and felt his stomach churn at the sight.

"Look at you Sammy. What happened to you?"

Gazing around the small room, his eyes fell upon the blonde woman sitting on the cot, her eyes dark and filled with pity. Her curly hair fell down her back gracefully and she looked just as Sam had remembered her.

"Jess," he whispered.

Jess watched him sadly, rising from her seat and crouching down in front of him. Sam looked away, eyes falling to the ground and she gave a small sigh, cupping his cheeks and making him look at her.

"Baby, what happened to you?" She asked softly and Sam whimpered, leaning into her touch. "What did they do to you, locking you up like an animal? Like a dangerous monster?"

He couldn't find the words to answer his girlfriend so he remained silent, soaking in her appearance. "Jess," he soon said, voice cracking. "I missed you so much."

She gave him a small smile, rubbing her thumb on his cheek lovingly. "I do too, Sammy. But you aren't the Sam I fell in love with," Jess explained, making Sam's hazel eyes grow wide.

"W-What?" He stammered, confused.

"My Sam would never do this, drink demon blood and sleep with a demon," Jess said, frowning. It hurt; hearing her say those words, talking about the person he once was over three years ago. The man she loved might've looked like him but her Sam was gone.

"But I'm doing this for Dean. For you," Sam told her, his sad eyes meeting hers. He wanted her to believe him. After everyone he had let down, he wanted someone to be there still for him. Castiel, Dean, and Bobby didn't believe in him, locking him away to die in the panic room, but Jess, she always had a big heart. She could forgive anyone and hearing her say those words, it was worse than the withdrawal. He had let her down too.

Shaking her head softly, the blonde sighed. "What happened to you baby? You had such a good, normal life. You were happy. Why'd you go back?"

"Azazel killed you. I-I couldn't just let that go. I couldn't let you go without making him pay," Sam argued, only upsetting his girlfriend more.

"And look what has happened to you because you couldn't let go." She shifted, moving closer to Sam. "Was it worth it, destroying yourself? Drinking demon blood and becoming the one thing you tried so hard to not be?" She murmured softly, hurt in her eyes.

 _No_ , he wanted to yell, he hated looking like a freak in front of Dean and Bobby, the two remaining people in his broken family, but he had saved so many people. Jess, the girl who would break into tears whenever commercials about donating to children in poor countries or dying abused animals came on, she would understand. She would see past all the bad and find the good in what he had done.

"It hurts Jess. Even after killing him, it didn't make me feel better. You were still gone. But this, this can fix things. I can stop Lilith from destroying the world; make her pay for hurting Dean. I can do something right for once," he told her, tears falling down his cheeks. "I can make you proud of me."

Jess wiped away the tears with one hand, the other hand settling on the raw skin of his forearms. "This is killing you babe. You have to stop. You can stop Lilith without drinking demon blood. You're strong enough Sammy without this poison in your veins." A sad smile appeared on her face as she looked down at the man she once knew before her, seeing just how much he had changed since she had died.

The hunter gave a choking sob, eyes wide in fear and pain. It was the puppy dog eyes that could melt anyone, the ones that made him seem so much smaller and younger, blind to the dark twisted truth of the world they lived in. "How do I stop, Jess?" he asked her, voice cracking at the end. "How?"

Jess just cupped his cheek, placing a soft peck on his lips and Sam closed his eyes, trying to relish the familiar comforting feel that caused. The feel that everything was okay. That he was fine. But it was gone much too quickly and opening his eyes, Sam found himself alone once more.

* * *

A low whistle filled the room and the hunter didn't bother to look up. "Well look who it is, the Boy King!" The voice's tone was mocking and cruel though achingly familiar. "The boy with the demon blood. Filthy, no better than a demon," the voice sneered and when Sam lifted his head, he was met with cold golden eyes.

The Trickster.

"Your soul's black, dirty, tainted even," the Trickster scoffed. "No wonder the angels stay far away from you!"

"Shut up," Sam hissed, eyes narrowing and a smirk appeared on the demigod's face.

"What, did I hurt the poor abomination's feelings?" he teased cruelly, moving closer to the hunter. "With the amount of Ovaltine you got running through your veins, it's a miracle you even have feelings."

Sam raised his shaking hands to his ears to block out the Trickster's words but with a snap of the being's hands, the hunter found himself chained to the cot, arms strapped down at his sides. He tried to get up, pulling at the chains frantically. This wasn't the side of the Trickster joking around with him and his brother in the auditorium back at Crawford Hall or the flirty grin and bright eyes he remembered from the dead professor's office. His eyes were cold and empty, sending shivers down the hunter's spine. This was what his victims saw before they died. This was the real Trickster, karma and irony in a meat suit.

Tutting, the Trickster leaned over him, a disgusted look on his face. "You know, you're worse than anything I've ever seen. Barely even human. The saps I deal with, at least they still have a little bit of humanity left but you Sammy?" He chuckled darkly, a small silver danger appearing in his hand. "You're basically a breathing demon. The only thing separating you from them in that heart still pumping that stuff through you." The blade pressed down on his chest where his heart was, causing Sam to cry out in pain. He pulled harder on the restraints, afraid.

"No, please!" He begged, eyes watching the blade fearfully.

This didn't stop the Trickster though as he pressed the blade down further, the tip sinking into his flesh.

"Abomination, that's all you are. You say you are doing this for Dean, but who are you really doing this for Sammy?" The Trickster spat, eyes narrowed to slits.

"To stop Lilith!" Sam choked out through the pain, lifting his gaze to meet the demigod's and those piercing gold eyes darkened, watching him. Sam quickly looked away at the chilling eyes, seeing the old power swirling within them.

The Trickster gave a humourless chuckle, leaning in closer. "You really think you can lie to a trickster?" he hissed, eyes focused unblinkingly on him. "No. You do all of this for you. You enjoy the rush you get, the power surging through your veins. You convince yourself you drink this for your brother but you are merely selfish. Tainted from birth, always a monster, no matter how you try to convince yourself you're not one."

"Let me go!" Sam shouted before a scream was ripped from his throat as the being leaning over him plunged the blade deeper and twisted it.

"Don't you feel it Sammy? The tingling and thirst? You need this stuff! Like a man trapped in the desert dying of thirst, you need this. You need the bitter taste of it on your tongue, the fire of it pumping through your body. The high," The Trickster crowed, eyes gleaming. "You're addicted to it."

The blade torn more flesh of his flesh, scrapping against his ribs. "And who could blame you? All that power at your fingertips! They fear you, especially Dean. After all, why would he lock you up? He's afraid of your power." The Trickster's breath tickled his ear as the demigod whispered, "And he should be. You are the Boy King! You can show them just how strong you really are with this stuff, make 'em bow down before you, angels, demons and humans alike!" His breath danced on Sam's cheek, dangerous grin never fading. "You killed Alastair like squashing a bug and that was barely with any demon blood. Imagine with just a little more juice and you could take down Lilith with a snap of your fingers, hell, with your powers, you could rid Hell of all its demons!"

He moved back, eyes glowing and Sam had to admit that deep down, the hallucination had a point.

"After all, saving people is part of the motto, yeah?" The Trickster smirked at him sharply and Sam gave a loud cry as the blade was jerked to the side, tearing more flesh and the yell quieted to a gasp as cool air hit the open wound. "And think of all the people you'd end up saving. Sam Winchester, a hero, not a freak!"

As much as hated it, the voice in his head whispered the demigod was right. Drinking this demon blood, killing Lilith, it would make him seem like a hero. He would not only stop the Apocalypse but get rid of any demon that crossed his path without harming the vessel. He wasn't a monster and he could finally prove it to his brother.

The demigod's shark-like grin grew as he watched Sam's mind began to bend inwards to his words, falling right back into the clutches of the poison. "The true righteous man. The savour," He said. "Even the angels would bow down before you in thanks."

Sam gave another spine chilling yell as the blade was pulled out and the Trickster reached into the wound, eliciting another scream from Sam. His hand was pulled out with a sucking sound and the Trickster licked away some of the blood, grinning gleefully.

Leaning over once more, Sam found himself almost nose to nose with the twisted creature and shuddered. "Show me those pretty eyes, Sammy. Show me the saviour," the Trickster purred and Sam blinked, his eyes yellow as they reflected in the Trickster's eyes.

Gasping in fear, he moved away and ended up tumbling off the bed, the retrains gone and trickster as well. Hand flying to his chest, Sam felt around for the open wound but there was nothing. Just another hallucination.

* * *

His mother appeared not long after, sitting beside him on the cot. He glanced up at her, sad hazel eyes watching her carefully. Although beautiful, she looked the same as she had when they had found her back in Lawrence all those year ago as a poltergeist, the blood on her nightgown dark red. It was the only picture of her his mind had that was clear enough and even then, it wasn't a good one.

"Go on. Say it."

"Say what?" Mary asked softly, and Sam sighed, shoulders hunched. His shaking hands ran through his hair in frustration.

"How disappointed you are in me! How disgusted you are at the piss poor excuse of a son I have become!" He yelled, waiting for some kind of anger to appear on his mother's face, for her to yell at him or shame him, but none of that happened.

Instead Mary frowned, shaking her head. "You've got it all wrong Sam. I'm not disappointed in you," she told him, only confusing him.

"What? What do you mean?" He asked, tilting his head. "I'm drinking demon blood! I've slept with a demon! How the hell are you not disappointed in me?"

"You're doing the right thing, Sammy. Your brother doesn't seem to understand the tough choices you have been making but I do. I'm proud of you," Mary said, smiling softly and Sam blinked, surprised.

"You…You are?" He shook his head, furrowing his brow. "No, I'm a monster."

His mother gave him a sad look. "Who told you that?"

Sam gave a shuddering breath, focusing on his feet. He felt reassured that at least this hallucination didn't think he was a monster, or doing something wrong. But it still hurt to admit out loud "Dean, but-"

"Dean says that because he's scared, Sammy. He doesn't understand your gift. How you can use your gift for so much good," Mary explained to her son and Sam lifted his head, meeting his mother's eyes.

"But what if I mess up?" Sam asked quietly.

"You won't Sammy. You have to kill Lilith."

The hunter nodded, "Even if it ends up killing me. I'll make sure your death means something." Mary smiled, placing a kiss on her son's head.

"That's my strong baby boy."

Although a hallucination, she, like Jess and the Trickster, felt real and for a few moments, Sam actually believed that she was here with him. That after all the crap he had faced and created, his mother still loved him. The person who he had blamed himself for her death after so many years didn't hate him.

"Don't let anyone try to stop you Sammy, not even Dean." And she placed one more kiss on the top of his head, hugging her little boy. Sam hugged her back eagerly, this being the first and only time he had ever been hugged by his mother – or parent in general – cherishing the hallucination.

She then vanished from his arms and the hunter sighed, reality crashing back down upon him once more.

* * *

It seemed like he had been trapped in the panic room for years and each passing minute grew more and more painful as his system tried to destroy the poison running through his veins. His head was pounding, feeling as if someone was trying to split it in half and his hands were shaking badly.

The persistent itching hadn't gone away, instead growing stronger, and dried blood speckled his forearms, black. Only this time, dark black veins began to spread from his wrists up his arms, the same colour of the demon blood he had ingested hours before and with eyes wide, the hunter shakily got to his feet. Stumbling to a small mirror in the panic room, Sam found his breath catch as the black veins seemed to spread up his neck and face as well, burning at his touch.

"Dean! Help! Someone help me!" Sam yelled, body trembling and he struggled to keep himself upwards. "Help me! Dean! Bobby!"

The room began to spin, head pounding harder and Sam could hear his heart beating frantically. What was going on? He began to panic, knees growing weak and he leaned against one of the lockers, stomach churning wildly.

This was it. He was going to die.

His vision then grew black and his body fell limp, hitting the ground with a thump.

* * *

When his eyes had opened, the younger Winchester found himself staring up at the ceiling, confused. He had no clue how he had returned back to the cot and when he tried to rise, he found himself unable. Looking down at his hands, he found they were handcuffed to the sides of the cot, feet as well.

"We had to put those on. The demon blood was flinging you across the room. Couldn't let it cause any more damage," Dean explained and Sam gave a small nod, feeling guilty at the pain he was causing his big brother. His role model.

"Dean-" He began but the older hunter continued to speak, frown deepening.

"Why'd you do it Sammy?" He asked, and Sam paused, unsure if this was still his big brother speaking or a hallucination caused by the demon blood inside of him.

After a few moments of silence, Sam said, "You know why." He didn't mean to sound harsh but somehow they did.

Dean snorted softly, watching his brother with a blank expression. "Right. Of course. To 'kill Lilith'," the hunter told him, anger seeping into his words. "The big excuse. But why? You doing this for revenge?"

"Of course."

"Why? So she sent me to hell, didn't you happen to notice I'm back? What is all the point to this Sam? Chugging this stuff down and corrupting yourself?" Dean growled and Sam narrowed his eyes, beginning to grow frustrated.

"What's the point? How about stopping the damn Apocalypse?" the younger hunter snapped. "She's breaking seals and I can stop her this way! I can save the world!"

Dean chuckled coldly, disgust forming on his features. "You save the world? All you do is wreck it. I'm the one who will save it. I'm the righteous man Sam, not you. You're-"

"Don't say it," Sam ground out, trying to remain angry at his big brother. "Don't you dare say it!"

The hallucination smirked. "You're the abomination. The black sheep of the family."

Sam turned away, not able to look his brother in the face.

"That's why you drink it, don't you? To feel powerful, invincible. You think that by guzzling this stuff like a freak you can make yourself normal. That this can help you save the world!" Dean hissed, standing up and walking to the other side of the cot.

"Shut up!" Sam growled. "Shut the hell up!"

"You break everything you touch. I mean it's your fault we are in this mess in the first place. If you hadn't been born, Jess would still be alive, Mom would be alive. No seals would be breaking because I wouldn't've had to sell my soul for… _you_." He spat the word like it was poison and Sam shrank away. "And the only way you think you can fix this is by drinking demon blood, becoming a monster."

Sam turned to look at his brother, straining on the cuffs. "I'm not a monster!" He argued and Dean shook his head.

"Yes you are. You were always a monster. And you only feel right when you're sucking down more poison and more evil."

"Dean, no," Sam whispered, anger and bitterness gone from his voice. He would yell and snap at anyone else who called him a monster or a freak, but hearing Dean say it? Hearing the person he had looked up to since he was four years old call him a monster? That hurt more than anything.

"You were always one and I tried so hard to ignore it. I tried to pretend we were brothers. That you weren't one of the filthy things that we hunt. We aren't even the same species anymore," the hallucination snarled and Sam curled in on himself, wishing Dean would go away. That this hallucination would just go away.

But it didn't, not matter how hard he tried to banish it. "Don't you say that to me Dean. Please!" He begged, voice breaking and tears forming in the corners of his eyes. Looking at his big brother, the only family that he had had from the beginning, and begged, pleaded for him to stop. All Sam wanted was for his brother to be proud of him, happy. He just wanted to make it up to Dean, prove he was worth it.

"I should have killed you when I had the chance, you filthy demon."

The figure vanished as Sam continued to yell at him, begging for his brother and only after he had stopped, admitting defeat and giving up did the cuffs snap open.

Blinking in surprise, the hunter sat up and looked around. The door was open and he stood, walking towards it. Peering out, Sam noticed no one else was around but that didn't matter. His eyes fell on the cellar door and he walked towards it, opening it.

He was going to prove Dean he wasn't a monster. He was going to save the world, regardless of what the angels said because Dean was right. This was his mess and he would have to fix it. Finding his cell phone near the door, he picked it up and called the only person who would still have faith in him at this point.

"Ruby? It's Sam. I need you help to go and kill Lilith."

* * *

 **Now, this is different from the original episode, I know, but I decided to put my own twist to it! I felt that Jess should have had a part in the hallucinations and I threw in the Trickster because he had tried to warn Sam about letting go of Dean and stuff. Also, I haven't wanted the episode in a while, so don't kill me that it isn't similar to it.**

 **Oh and for anyone who did listen to the song, do not argue with me that the song is about a girl. Lover Dearest is not about a girl, but about heroin. Josh Ramsey (the singer), explained multiple times that while in rehab, he was told to write a poem or letter to his drug about why he liked it, needed it and how he didn't need heroin anymore. He wrote it and eventually turned it into the song, Lover Dearest (don't believe me then search up multiple videos online of him explaining it and proving that!). That's why this focused on the demon blood, how Sam wanted it but was trying to get clean at the same time rather than about Ruby because she isn't the "drug". She's the supplier.**

 **-Ally**


End file.
